Understanding Childless Marriages

It happened during my first semester of my freshman year in high school.  At fourteen years old, I stood in front of a classroom of peers and stated that I never wanted to have children.  P.A.C.E. was a course in the "Freshman Academy" that was designed to help you plan life goals, understand finances, and explore opportunities based on the career/salary that you wanted.  Even at fourteen years old, girls sneered at me.  They all said I would "change me mind."  Guess what? Almost eight years later, I am still getting those same responses and sneering looks.

Lucky for me, when I found Tyler, my husband, we agreed on most every subject - including this one.  When we began to seriously date with the intention of marriage, we talked about having children a lot.  For me, this would have been a deal breaker.  I can guarantee that we, the childless freaks we are, have talked more about having/not having children that a lot of couples who have children.  In our premarital counseling we both filled out questionnaires on child rearing and upbringing, answering "n/a."  We did talk about all the usual child issues, "public/private/home schooled", "to spank or not to spank", the roles our parents would play, the responsibilities we would share, but it always came back to the fact that we just had no desire to have a child of our own.  People always assume that we just skipped all the "child talk", but in reality, it was one of the most discussed issues.  

Here are some of the most common assumptions I receive about being in a childless marriage:

"You must want a big house, or a lot of 'things' instead."

"You're being selfish."

"You will change your mind because everyone eventually wants/needs children."

"You can't physically have children."

"You hate children."

"Your using your pets as 'substitute' children."

I laugh at the list of assumptions because my husband is a student minister.  We work with kids day in and day out.  We do not hate children, we just do not want one for ourselves.  However, my personal favorite is that we are selfish people.  No, in fact, we sacrifice a lot of our personal time to mentor kids, take them to the mall, give them advice on relationships.  We are devoted to the work we do, and we enjoy the freedom and flexibility we enjoy in our lifestyle.

Here are some of the worst remarks I have gotten on our decision to remain childless:

"I'm going to laugh when you do have kids."

"You aren't viewed with the same respect as (insert name), even though you are the same age, they have kids.  You just aren't there."

"You aren't doing God's will if you choose not to have children."

"You can't fully understand God's love for you without having a child of your own."

While all of these are hurtful and have pressed me to tears, you would be shocked to find out that most of these were said to me by "friends", church members, my doctor, and in workplaces.  For people who are supposed to care for us, support and respect us, but these are not statements that reflect such behavior.  Most of the times I just have to blow it off and not make a scene, but deep inside I want to scream.  I want to tell them that our choice to remain childless is exactly that - OUR CHOICE.  

Here's the good news, I have friends and family that support our decision.  My "godmother" never had children and she is one of my biggest supporters.  It is such a blessing and encouragement to talk to her about her choice and how she has been able to experience life.  We are super close, so it wasn't intrusive for me to ask, "Did you ever regret it?" 

"Absolutely not."  

I do not want anyone to walk away from this posting and think that I had some kind of traumatic experience as a child that has kept me from developing a desire for children.  I had a wonderful childhood.  I do not "hate" kids.  I'm not infertile.  Tyler and I simply love being together - just the two of us.  We enjoy being able to get up and leave for an extended weekend.  We love our adventures.  We do not have this "incompleteness" within us, that only a child could fill.  More than anything, we would appreciate, at least a little, respect for our decision.  We would appreciate not being hassled every time someone around us gives birth.  We want to be accepted as a family of two.  We are just as much adults as anyone else who owns a home, pay all of our own bills, graduated two universities (without any college debt), two cars, two great jobs, growing our savings, zero credit card debt, takes vacations and loves on our three cats.

Here are some facts about choosing to be childless and the changing face of America:

"The 2000 Current Population Survey indicated that thirty million married couples in the United States do not have children." (We are not alone!)

"On Average, an American woman gives birth to her first child at the age of 25." (Not 20)

***If you are looking to understand more about the Childless by Choice in America, 'Two's Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice' is a great read with many resources.

Until Next Time,

H.